OUR STORIES
Joseph's StoryBy Victoria
Joseph was born January 11, 1986. It was a healthy pregnancy except for the 60-pound weight gain! Joseph was about 3 weeks late, which usually doesn't happen these days. I remember when Joseph entered the world his little hand was stuck on the right side of his head. The doctor yelled for me to stop pushing so he could adjust it, but it was too late. When I think of it now, I wonder if my little boy was trying to tell me something! Joseph's childhood from infancy to about 11 years old was wonderful. He was a happy flourishing little boy. He loved to hug and snuggle. He played with imagination and loved life! There is nothing significant that stands out during that time except around the age of 7 Joseph had trouble seeing in class. He began to wear glasses and his eyesight got worse as time went on, but it seemed to have leveled off around 20 years of age. The other significant event was when Joseph had his first DPT shot as an infant. Back in 1986 they still administered immunizations with thermisol, which is a preservative containing mercury. I remember the day very clearly...Joseph screamed a high pitch scream for almost 8 hours. The doctors told me to never give him Pertussis again. So from then on it was a DT shot. It is documented that the Pertussis part of the shot can cause some neurological issues and have side effects. Nowadays they do not use the whole cell pertussis in vaccines. They use what's called an acellular vaccine instead. It has fewer side effects. They also offer thermisol-free vaccines too. It was not until the age of 12 that things really changed for Joseph. We moved to a new state, he was beginning middle school, and of course puberty arrived. It was probably early in 7th grade that Joe's grades began to drop. He was not in a good place emotionally and he told me recently that he once contemplated suicide. He of course never told us that back in 1998. We all went to therapy and it seemed to help a little bit. Another life change occurred when Joe was 13. I gave birth to his little sister, Isabella. Joseph also has an older brother named Michael. Joseph welcomed his little sister with open arms, but it was yet another transition and an unexpected, yet wonderful surprise. We learned from Joseph that it was at this age he began to experiment with marijuana. He also admitted that there were thoughts in his head that he could not release; thoughts about sexuality. Again, something that we just didn't pick up on until later. During this time, Joe was also dealing with his parent's separation and pending divorce. I have to note here too that Joe was very active in sports. He played football for 6 years and wrestled for 2. It wasn't until early in 11th grade that things progressively got worse. The drug use increased and Joe became withdrawn. He skipped school most of the time and finally after my constant emails, communications, and visits to the school, Joe agreed to get his GED. Another important thing to bring up is at age 14 Joe was diagnosed with Epstein Barr virus (or chronic fatigue syndrome). Also, during one wrestling match in 11th grade, Joe blacked out and I had to take him to the emergency room for he seemed disoriented. The tests turned out okay, but it is something worth mentioning for I think another player pressed on an artery in his neck. During his struggles in 11th and 12th grade, I researched and began to get Joe on some omega 3 oil, vitamins, greens, and other supplements. I also took him to a neuro-psychologist who did neuro-feedback. That only lasted a short time for when Joe turned 18 during his senior year, he began to refuse all treatment. When Joseph finally got his GED that summer of 2004, he moved in with his Dad and lived with him for about 6 months in St. Louis. I had moved to CT with Bella. Joe decided in the fall 2004 to move back to Florida. The thought worried us, but we couldn't stop him. It was during that year that Joe's drug use increased to a point that we still don't know the extent of it. He came up for Christmas in 2005 and we knew something wasn't right. He was acting differently, talking differently, and was very withdrawn. He ended up losing his job in Florida and moved in with me. During this time, Joe was not only detoxing from drugs, but was in full-blown psychosis. I had no idea what that was like for I had never experienced it or seen it in anyone. I saw my beautiful little boy with hazel eyes in a very horrible terrifying place! He was what I now know as manic, paranoid, hallucinating,and hearing voices. He was happy and ecstatic one moment and down and horribly sad the next. There were times of rages and deep emptiness in his eyes. I didn't know what to do. It wasn't until he had to go to the emergency room for another issue that they made Joe go in for a psychiatric evaluation. He was admitted to Middlesex Hospital and remained there for about 2 weeks. He refused all meds and returned back home to me. He left there with a diagnosis of psychosis none specified. Which means it was too early to get a clear diagnosis. Also, while he was hospitalized, Joe had an MRI done and it showed a cyst on his pituitary gland, but they said it was nothing to worry about although we should have it checked every 6 months. When Joe returned home, we had no direction in treating his illness. I felt so lost and confused. I had no one to turn to or reach out to. At this point in my life I was well into holistic therapies and natural medicine. I am certified in Reiki and Holistic Life Coaching and I thought we could beat this...I researched and found a place called Earth House in NJ. They seemed to have a wonderful healing model. They served organic healthy food and had all the elements needed to give my son the best possible chance to heal: a psychiatrist, a therapist, a holistic doctor, and groups/classes in the arts, and academics. They treated my son like a person, not a mentally ill patient. Joseph's holistic physician was Dr. Bonnet in Pennsylvania. He worked with the students at Earth House. He took a full history on Joseph and wanted to know everything from the minute he was born. He took tests that the traditional world would not do like vitamin deficiencies, allergies, and toxic metals. Joseph also revealed at this time that while living in Florida he took in a stray cat. He did not take proper care of the cat in that he allowed it to excrete on his bed. Joseph's metal testing showed high levels of mercury, aluminum, and copper. He then began what is called orthomolecular vitamin therapy, which is an intense vitamin regime. We also treated his Epstein Barr virus by building his immune system. Unfortunately, a place like Earth House is very expensive and we could only afford 4 months. We now know that at least a year or more is needed. We did continue to see Dr. Bonnet ongoing after Joe left Earth House. The other difficult issue with mental illness is compliance, whether itis alternative or traditional, it is very hard for someone with a thought disorder to admit they have a problem. Joseph came home with a diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder (which is a combination of psychotic symptoms and a mood disorder) and was on 4 mg of Resperidol (anti psychotic) and 120 mg of Wellbutrin (a mood stabilizer). Things were going okay except Joe stopped his meds a few months after being home. Within a few weeks he was back in the hospital. This time he ended up at Mt Sinai in Hartford, CT. This psychosis was different than the first in that Joe was more verbal and said and did things that were very inappropriate. He ended up on 5 different drugs when he left Mt Sinai on Haldol, Geodon,Amaranthine, Neurotin, and Depakote. He was not okay to leave, but the insurance was running out. He was now put into a day program in Danbury where his Dad now resides for he couldn't live with me anymore and his little sister. It was too difficult and it was taking its toll on little Bella. She is now in therapy working through it all. The doctors finally got Joe down to 3 drugs: Geodon, Abilify, and Depakote. He was also continuing his vitamin therapy and homeopathy. We also began cranial sacral therapy with a naturopath, Dr Henninger, in Fairfield, CT , which helps to stimulate the nervous system and releases blocks in the spinal fluid. It was beginning to help, but Joe stopped his meds once again and ended up in Danbury Hospital. They took their time with Joe as he stayed there 3 months. He is now on Clozaril and Geodon. So far the meds are a good combination for him. I thank God for each day of healing and peace. I love my son and will do anything to help him, but we also have to find a balance for everyone in the family. We are in desperate need of therapeutic healing communities not only for my son, but for all those with thought disorders. For so many, the alternative is homelessness, jail, or death. I am not only an advocate for my child, but for everyone diagnosed with a mental illness and their loved ones! As of today, we live one moment at a time and pray for what is best everyone.
POETRY
A Mother Waits
By Victoria D'Ottavio
The abyss
is a spiral of thoughts
and painful confusion
Come back to us
my Joseph
reach out your hand
a mother waits always
to pull you through
and bring you home
The Gloaming
“Walk from the dark night into the gloaming.
Share and be not alone.
Hearts matching hearts,
strange faces turning only to see the self in each other.
Walk from the gloaming to the light, together.
In the sharing you seek the knowing.”-
By Shawna Koder
Gabe's Story
By Elizabeth
This is the just of the story of my wonderful son Gabe. He is 23 years old and has been living with schizophrenia for about 4 years now. He was a beautiful baby with a perfectly round and bold head. As a baby he was the most content and happy child. Gabe was not demanding or a high need child. From a very young age he would entertain himself and let his learning grow. Always very bright and academically inclined through his school years. When he became graduated, he entered the military forces and about a year later, I learned something was not right. Gabe had always been of good character and his initial delusions made perfect sense to me, as it was a tangled story of lies, betrayal, and deception. I was ready to get to the highest authority to make sure my son was not falling pray to this massive problem. I really wanted to believe something was happening and not thats omething was wrong. Then one day Gabe called, stating that he had been placed under medical care and that they wanted the psychiatrist to meet with him. I knew something was wrong and still hanged to the idea that stress and romantic pitfalls can make you a little crazy that's all. Next thing my child is being sent home, no staying and completing his dream of a medical career in the military. He came home, so thin and quiet. I wanted to leave him alone and not add to his pressures, he will eventually talk, I said to myself. He did not talk about his issues. Soon after Gabe began to display bizarre behavior and it was obvious that something was not right. I never dreamed I would ever have to call the police on one of my children. Under a moment of anger, out of the blue Gabe began to act as it had been described he did while in the military. (His childhood friend who was alsoin the military had filled me in, about his behavior changes.) Gabe became violent not just irate and belligerent. My family called me at work and I dismissed it as if it was just their impatient perception, just let him ven toff, I said. Today, I am still so sorry for not believing my daughter when she called me crying and said that Gabe had hit her and left her breathless. I could not bring myself to believe that my sweet, well behaved, well mannered child could be acting this way. After all, I knew what the future will be like for him if this was true. You see I am a social worker and the reality of this illness was too much for me to bear. I knew closely the life that so many face under the tyrany of this illness. I also knew about the stigma, ignorance, and suffering that these victims endure and I did not want that for my child. I now cry as I write this because it is a reality. The police took him in and upon this evaluation, the different diagnoses began and we ended up were we are today with Paranoid Schizophrenia. This illness has robbed my child of his dreams. He has the ability to understand he has a mental illness. I have come to grips with the fact that I will always grieve the loss of my before Gabe, but do not negate the wonderful child still is.
This is the just of the story of my wonderful son Gabe. He is 23 years old and has been living with schizophrenia for about 4 years now. He was a beautiful baby with a perfectly round and bold head. As a baby he was the most content and happy child. Gabe was not demanding or a high need child. From a very young age he would entertain himself and let his learning grow. Always very bright and academically inclined through his school years. When he became graduated, he entered the military forces and about a year later, I learned something was not right. Gabe had always been of good character and his initial delusions made perfect sense to me, as it was a tangled story of lies, betrayal, and deception. I was ready to get to the highest authority to make sure my son was not falling pray to this massive problem. I really wanted to believe something was happening and not thats omething was wrong. Then one day Gabe called, stating that he had been placed under medical care and that they wanted the psychiatrist to meet with him. I knew something was wrong and still hanged to the idea that stress and romantic pitfalls can make you a little crazy that's all. Next thing my child is being sent home, no staying and completing his dream of a medical career in the military. He came home, so thin and quiet. I wanted to leave him alone and not add to his pressures, he will eventually talk, I said to myself. He did not talk about his issues. Soon after Gabe began to display bizarre behavior and it was obvious that something was not right. I never dreamed I would ever have to call the police on one of my children. Under a moment of anger, out of the blue Gabe began to act as it had been described he did while in the military. (His childhood friend who was alsoin the military had filled me in, about his behavior changes.) Gabe became violent not just irate and belligerent. My family called me at work and I dismissed it as if it was just their impatient perception, just let him ven toff, I said. Today, I am still so sorry for not believing my daughter when she called me crying and said that Gabe had hit her and left her breathless. I could not bring myself to believe that my sweet, well behaved, well mannered child could be acting this way. After all, I knew what the future will be like for him if this was true. You see I am a social worker and the reality of this illness was too much for me to bear. I knew closely the life that so many face under the tyrany of this illness. I also knew about the stigma, ignorance, and suffering that these victims endure and I did not want that for my child. I now cry as I write this because it is a reality. The police took him in and upon this evaluation, the different diagnoses began and we ended up were we are today with Paranoid Schizophrenia. This illness has robbed my child of his dreams. He has the ability to understand he has a mental illness. I have come to grips with the fact that I will always grieve the loss of my before Gabe, but do not negate the wonderful child still is.
As I stumble from my bed this morning, help me to remember to be gentle and kind.
My child's mind is shredding into a million pieces.
He lives in a constant state of atrocious fear. I can see it in his eyes.
Give him peace.
Guide me as I hold him in my arms.
Help me to know what to say.
What to do.
Fill my heart with healing love, understanding, and empathy.
Give me the strength of a thousand angels to hold back my tears.
My heart is broken and a tidal wave of grief is overwhelming me with the need to cry.
Give me the strength to bear it long enough to keep it from disturbing my child.
Help me find someone I can safely bring it to.
Help me answer my family's questions with the same amount of compassion I would want for my self.
Help me remember they are hurting too.
This is an unwelcome assault on an entire family.
My heart is not the only heart that is broken.
We all need time and each other to heal.
As my journey becomes more and more isolative and lonely, remind me that the lack of involvement on the part of family and friends is not always because of the stigma and the ignorance.
For many, it is because they are hurting too.
They have the privilege of turning to their own lives.
This is my family's life now. I must deal with it whether I am hurting or not.
Send me your best physicians and healers.
Give me presence of mind, as I walk through the exhaustion of my grief to not settle for just any one no matter how tiresome the journey becomes.
Help me adjust to the idea, that although it appears my son is gone, there will be no goodbye. And that he is still inside somewhere waiting for us to find him.
Infuse the creative part of my mind with solution oriented thinking.
Give me hope.
Even if it is just a glimmer of hope.
A mother can go for miles on just one tiny glimmer.
Let me see just a flicker of the sparkle of joy in his eyes.
Guide my hands, calm my mind, as I fill out the multitude of forms for services.
Then, help me do it again over and over.
Provide me with the knowledge. Lead me to the books I need to read, the organizations I need to connect with. As you work though the people in my life, help me to recognize those that are here to help. Help me trust the right ones. Shine a light upon the right path.
Give me the courage to speak my truth; to know my son's truth. And to speak for him when he is unable to do it for himself. Show me when to do for him what he is not capable of doing for himself. Help me to recognize the difference.
Help me to stand tall in the face of the stigma; to battle the discrimination with the mighty sword of a spiritual warrior. And to deflect the sting of blame and faultfinding from the ignorant and the cruel.
Preserve my love for my family. Shield my marriage with the wisdom of the love that brought us together.
Protect him from homelessness, loneliness, victimization, poverty, hunger, hopelessness, relapse, drugs, alcohol, suicide, cruelty and obscurity.
Lead us to the miracles of better medications, better funding, better services, safe and plentiful housing, meaningful employment, communities who care, enlightenment. Help us to find some way to replace all the greed with humanitarian work and intrinsic reward again.
Most of all, give me the strength to deliver whatever I can to the work of unmasking the man made ugliness of this disease and revealing the human and all of it's suffering beneath.
Finally, when it is my time to leave my son behind, send a thousand angels to take my place.
My child's mind is shredding into a million pieces.
He lives in a constant state of atrocious fear. I can see it in his eyes.
Give him peace.
Guide me as I hold him in my arms.
Help me to know what to say.
What to do.
Fill my heart with healing love, understanding, and empathy.
Give me the strength of a thousand angels to hold back my tears.
My heart is broken and a tidal wave of grief is overwhelming me with the need to cry.
Give me the strength to bear it long enough to keep it from disturbing my child.
Help me find someone I can safely bring it to.
Help me answer my family's questions with the same amount of compassion I would want for my self.
Help me remember they are hurting too.
This is an unwelcome assault on an entire family.
My heart is not the only heart that is broken.
We all need time and each other to heal.
As my journey becomes more and more isolative and lonely, remind me that the lack of involvement on the part of family and friends is not always because of the stigma and the ignorance.
For many, it is because they are hurting too.
They have the privilege of turning to their own lives.
This is my family's life now. I must deal with it whether I am hurting or not.
Send me your best physicians and healers.
Give me presence of mind, as I walk through the exhaustion of my grief to not settle for just any one no matter how tiresome the journey becomes.
Help me adjust to the idea, that although it appears my son is gone, there will be no goodbye. And that he is still inside somewhere waiting for us to find him.
Infuse the creative part of my mind with solution oriented thinking.
Give me hope.
Even if it is just a glimmer of hope.
A mother can go for miles on just one tiny glimmer.
Let me see just a flicker of the sparkle of joy in his eyes.
Guide my hands, calm my mind, as I fill out the multitude of forms for services.
Then, help me do it again over and over.
Provide me with the knowledge. Lead me to the books I need to read, the organizations I need to connect with. As you work though the people in my life, help me to recognize those that are here to help. Help me trust the right ones. Shine a light upon the right path.
Give me the courage to speak my truth; to know my son's truth. And to speak for him when he is unable to do it for himself. Show me when to do for him what he is not capable of doing for himself. Help me to recognize the difference.
Help me to stand tall in the face of the stigma; to battle the discrimination with the mighty sword of a spiritual warrior. And to deflect the sting of blame and faultfinding from the ignorant and the cruel.
Preserve my love for my family. Shield my marriage with the wisdom of the love that brought us together.
Protect him from homelessness, loneliness, victimization, poverty, hunger, hopelessness, relapse, drugs, alcohol, suicide, cruelty and obscurity.
Lead us to the miracles of better medications, better funding, better services, safe and plentiful housing, meaningful employment, communities who care, enlightenment. Help us to find some way to replace all the greed with humanitarian work and intrinsic reward again.
Most of all, give me the strength to deliver whatever I can to the work of unmasking the man made ugliness of this disease and revealing the human and all of it's suffering beneath.
Finally, when it is my time to leave my son behind, send a thousand angels to take my place.
Victoria's ThoughtsIt is time to release the stigma attached to mental illness and we must now in 2011 treat the whole person (mind, body, and spirit), not the "disease!" We must revamp our current healing model in the mental health system because it is clearly not working! We need to work together as Holistic Practitioners and Traditional Medical Practitioners because I do believe in a balance between the medical community and holistic/alternative community. We need a new model of healing that includes better healing facilities. The ideal is for our children to have at least one year in a facility to diagnose, test, and figure out what exactly is going on inside the body that effects the brain. This would include not only traditional testing, but also toxicity tests and more. The healing facility would only have balanced organic whole foods, therapies(music/sound, brainwave, art, etc), and the place would be surrounded by the beauty of nature. There would be traditional and non-traditional doctors working along side of each other to figure out the best healing plan for the person in need of healing. The mind, body and spirit will be nurtured in all ways. To say this is a cure-all would be presumptuous, but it gives our children a far better chance at healing, and they deserve it as we all do! I say it's time to give them a chance at life!
____________________________
Submit your Story
If you would like to include your story please send in Microsoft word or directly in email. Also, please send along a picture of your loved one as a child or any image that you feel reflects your story. Jpeg is preferable. You may also send this story in any form, i.e. poetry etc. Also you can use first names or remain anonymous if you like. :)
Please Contact Me !
Here is my contact information. I would love to hear from you!
email: Vittoriad@aol.com or Angelicstrands@aol.com
Here is my website www.victoriarosedeangelis.com
Be sure to check out my weekly radio show where I talk about all things spiritual and there are quite a few shows where I discuss "mental illness" in relation to the Soul.
www.sjrn.net click on Victoria De Angelis and all my shows are archived there!
Be sure to visit my Meditation Forest at www.anamcaraforest.freewebs.com
Co-created and edited by Victoria De Angelis and Shawna Koder
Photos by Victoria De Angelis and Shawna Koder
Angel Art created by Linda Hodgson Ironside
** Disclaimer: The stories, advise, and content of this newsletter are not a replacement for medical evaluations, therapies, or treatments. **
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