A MOTHER'S GRACE QUARTERLY NEWSLETTER 7th EDITION

Happy Fall Everyone!


So today, November 14th, we are in this moment okay. I am always grateful for each day we wake in that energy! Joe is back at Interlude and hanging in there. We visit each week and spend the day together in healing and fun! Keep the prayers coming!



I also wanted to let you all know about my new radio show ~Wingin It~on www.sjrn.net radio. Tomorrow, Nov 15th, I will be talking about "mental illness", my story, and chatting about what still needs to be done to help those struggling with it all and their families. Feel free to join me and call in to chat! You can also go in the chat room and ask me questions or comment if you prefer it more anonymous. I would love to hear from you! The number and chat room link are at the website! I pray for you all each day and send happy loving healing Light! :)

A MOTHER"S GRACE QUARTERLY NEWSLETTER 6th Edition

Update on my Joseph



Well it has been a long road, but the last 6 months have taken it's toll. My Joe has been in and out of the hospital more times in the last year then with this whole illness of 5 1/2 years. And for some reason, I have felt it deeper and more cutting in me than ever! I have cried more hours than I can count. I suppose you go through a mourning period and I just held my little boy in my heart and soul, remembering him before this illness manifested. I love my son no matter what and as he is, but I just kept thinking of my little one when nothing was weighing on his mind, but which toy to play with and what TV show to watch!
He just doesn't want to be on meds, but he isn't okay without them! As I type this, he is still in the hospital. The Clozaril isn't working like it did before and he hates taking it. He is at the point where he says he will take them, but comes out and stops them. He takes off all night long and comes back in very bad shape. Again, this brings me to what I will always believe until the day I die...we need more healing places where we can not only try meds, but test for everything and utilize holistic and spiritual therapies!
I pray people like Glenn Close, Joe Pantoliono, and others with fame help us fight for it all! Glenn has started an organization www.bringchange2mind.org and Joe www.nkm2.org ; I will link them here on my blog! I wont give up, ever!! So I am asking for prayers and love to be sent our way...I have Joe on every healing list I know! I continue to pray for what is best for my son's sweet soul!!!

A MOTHER'S GRACE QUARTERLY NEWSLETTER 5th Edition March 2010

Update on Joseph:

My Joseph has in the last 6 months, taken off to NYC without letting us know and been hospitalized. He eventually called and returned home to us both times, but the last trip in the dead of winter was very difficult for us all. The stress and worry was too much for us to bear, so we got together in the hospital to talk about the next step in Joseph's healing with Jospeh included of course for this is his life. :)
Believe it or not, Joe's meds were reduced to just one, Clozaril. He was also on Geodon, but the doctors felt it wasn't needed. Also with the help of his case manager and social worker, it was decided that Joe would move into transitional living in Danbury, a place called Interlude...once again we have been blessed with amazing people that were now added to our team of healing! Joe explained to us that when the voices come he has to listen to them, and in this case it was going off to do what he needed to do. Not to harm anyone, but he couldn't resist the voices! He also felt very restricted living at home with his Dad. So we thought it was time to try living on his own but with supervision and people to help teach him life skills. It is a one day at a time process as you all know. He already missed his meds on Sunday night and it has only been a week so far. But we are all acclimating to this next leg of the journey and we move along and keep forging ahead. God bless you Joseph! WE are all pulling for you!!!

A Mother's Grace Quarterly Newsletter 4th Edition September 2009

Updates and Thoughts

It has been awhile since I shared with you. My son, Joseph is doing well. We had a few moments where Joseph decided to stop his meds, but what was interesting these last two times was that Joseph knew it wasn't a good idea and tried to readjust things on his own. As most of us know, that can be very dangerous. He had to be hospitalized to come back to balance and during that stay he realized it was not a good idea to play around with such things! He took the full dose of Clozaril after being off of it for a week or so and his heart rate and breathing became erratic. Scared the living daylights out of me! Thank God, he just happened to be at his doctor appointment when it all happened. The angels are always with us! Thank you, Sweet Ones!

As a result of this incident, Joseph is talking more about what is going on inside of him and bless his heart he has such a humorous spirit. He makes us all laugh...even the hospital crew adores him! They are all rooting for him and we seem to be at a good place 5 years later into this "illness." My goodness, 5 years! There was a time with all of this that days seemed like years!
He has so much more clarity about the voices and asked me once, "Mom, do you hear voices to?" Ahhhhh he knows his mother is intuitive and is blessed with that God given gift to feel energies and such. For my son, before this illness struck he too, had such a gift. He still does, but now we are working on balancing and deciphering what is truth and what is chemical imbalance. He is starting to delve into and trying to understand what is happening. His voices he revealed to us do not tell him to hurt poeple or himself. Another misconception and stigma based belief! He told me and his social worker that he senses things about others and he sometimes thinks someone outside of himself is in toruble. Now this in and of itself doesnt sound too bad...but it can disrupt his work, his life, and sometimes pulls him so deep into it and he cannot focus. So he now knows as of today meds are needed. But alas as his Holistic Spiritual mother, we keep nurturing mind, body , and Spirit and as our goal was from the beginning of all of this is... taper off meds and continue to delve into the core of this "illness" and heal! Joseph at one point was on 6 different meds...horrible horrible meds! :( But now, we are on just one! The one that seems to be working for us right now. Here is where we could shorten this journey for others with "mental illness," let's form that supportive healing team right from the beginning, let's open healing facilities to care for them where we can diagnose thoroughly and find the right healing regime! I will not give up until the day I die and beyond on making that happen! We know how this effects every member of the family...and the Mother's heart is always on the mend! My efforts, prayers, and energies will never cease to be with all those experiencing the pain, the loss, the love, the joys, the sadness, the lessons, and the hope associated with this experience.

A Mother's Journey: Conquering Situational Depression





As someone who has experienced situational depression back in 1998, and healed it with the Grace of God and her angels, I understand a mother's pain during this illness. I believe I went through my time of deep introspection before my son got ill, so I could deal with it 4 years later and I could help others. Otherwise, I would not be here typing this heart/soul letter to you.


My beautiful Bella was born December 16, 1998. One of the happiest moments of my life! No greater gift is given than a child. I had been questioning so much in my life before I became surpisingly pregnant and wanted answers to everything...the soul gifts dancing inside of me and revealing themselves more than ever, my marriage, how different I felt from everyone, my purpose in this life...just everything! And I reached and reached for answers, praying as I always did and couldnt hear the answers. I needed God to get out the blow horn and yell them right into my ear, but alas it didnt happen that way.
The one thing that was constant was my faith...always had that inherant gift, but being on the bottom of the pit with only toothpicks to climb my way out with...the faith was certainly tested. I continued to pray and found myself more in meditation than ever! It was easy for me to go deep into my soul...but I used to hide there instead of heal. I began to choose to heal for my children, for me! This depression literally brought me to my knees and I said, "Dear God I am not getting up until this is revealed to me!"
Constant communication with God was key...it got me through it all. No formal prayers, no special trips...just in the quiet of my heart and soul...I spoke! Do not stop speaking...during dishwashing, mowing the lawn, fixing breakfast, changing diapers, brushing your teeth...all of it! Your soul begins to awaken and the magic and miracle starts to happen!! It began to happen for I made the choice to heal and all I needed came to me...the right therapist, the right food, the right exercise regime, the right vitamins, the right angel!* But I had to force myself to be in it... to be in the experience of healing! I cried more times than I can count...and soon the tears turned to peace. I began to feel snippets of peace...and I wanted more!!!! No sugar coating though...it was an ongoing struggle and challenge, but I never gave up! I am grateful to this day for that experience was my enlightenment, my rebirth, my beginning to what is now my complete journey on this earth.


So when my son got ill and the pain creeped in again, the sorrow, the loss, the eternal tears, the heart wrenching pain... I had my spiritual tool bag filled to conquer and deal! Sleepless nights, confusion, anger, sadness, physical, emotional, and mental anguish were not going to infiltrate me again. But I did feel it all...God help me, I did!
I would not, could not, and would not give up on my child...which I now know today as meaning, love them as we do, support them, and know when to let go in a healthy way. There is so much going on inside of you during the crisis of your child's pain. For months and months I sat at this computer finding the right place, the right doctor, the right anything to help and so many disappointments at every turn, but also some beautiful revelations and healing places, but with a large cost! The road blocks seemed endless, but again nothing kept us from forging ahead. Despite the broken system, low finances, periodic noncompliance of our son, and feeling completely alone, we are now in a good place today....a day by day blessing.
I never chose to go on meds during the earlier experience of my situational depression and during my son's illness. But I do know when meds are needed...they are needed...but I wanted to share my experience to let you know there is hope, there is faith, there is healing from many different places, but most importantly it is your Spirit, your Angels, and the God you love, that will ultimately bring you out of that pit and home again!*


If you would like to share your stories, please send me an email at angelicstrands@aol.com

A Mother's Grace Quarterly Newsletter 3rd Edition January 2009

Jamieson's Story

By Phoebe

My brother Jamieson has Schizoaffective Disorder. He had a bright future ahead of him, at age
18, a full scholarship to an art school, a beautiful girlfriend, an amazing talent to succeed at anything he
applied himself to, and a brilliant, brilliant mind. After a year at art school he broke down with a psychotic episode for the first time and we had no idea what to think. My brother was not who I remembered when he came back home. He was no longer inhabiting a world that was remotely familiar to me.
For the past six years he’s been from home to hospitals, to half-way housing, in an effort to get his old life back. Although he may be irrational at times he hasn’t lost touch with reality and he knows his dreams were snatched from under his feet. He takes medications that give him horrible side-effects; he has lost his self-esteem, concentration and gained weight.
According to the National Alliance of the Mentally Ill in one year approximately 25 million
Americans are affected by mental illness and more than 7.5 million children and adolescents suffer.
Which very likely means there are kids in our school functioning with mental illness. In fact according to Public Citizen, in any given day 240,000 people with mental illness are homeless, and 283,000 are incarcerated in jails and prisons instead of getting the treatment they need. And in 2001, the Surgeon General revealed a report stating that 12 percent of American children, under the age of 18, have a diagnosable mental illness. However, only 1 in 5 children with mental illnesses are identified and receive treatment or services. Most people think schizophrenia is split-personality, or they demonize schizophrenia as psychopathic behavior; which it isn’t. It is a common brain disorder which affects 1 out of 100 people. It is far more common than AIDS- and yet people shy away from discussing this disorder in health classes across the country. What makes me angry is that our society doesn’t realize that the population suffering from depression, bipolar disorder and schizophrenia need as much sympathy, research, and respect as the population with other serious chronic physical illnesses like cancer or lupus. Not only the public’s judgment and ridicule upsets me, but even the insurance companies insure much less for these serious physical illnesses of the brain. Have you ever called someone ‘crazy’, ‘schitzo’, ‘insane’, ‘bipolar’? Have you ever considered how that might punch someone emotionally? You may not even notice you’re abusing the mentally ill. “It is time for society to treat the mentally ill as medically ill.” So let me explain, Depression and bipolar are disorders of the mood, and schizophrenia is a disorder of thoughts. Schizoaffective disorder is a combination of the two.
Patricia Ruocchio, a writer, with schizophrenia, describes the illness as a “prison of the mind.”
“There is agony in not being able to communicate… The unusual aloneness I feel is only made worse by the physical closeness of someone with whom I am trying so desperately to connect. This disconnection is not conscious; I cannot control what can or cannot be conveyed. I am blocked by a brain that scrambles thoughts, and a bony structure that will no let me pass beyond its boundaries.” Schizophrenics cannot escape from unreality. My brother can’t decide what are real memories or false and so his life is slipping through his brain unsure. Jamie feels an enormous amount of anxiety and insecurity, even though he cannot express these emotions he still feels the pain inside. I took a drama class last year, and I loved it for the most part; made some really good friends, we all laughed taking turns to practice fake commercials and such. Until I suppose our usual teacher got in a fight with the owner of the place and we got a replacement. He was nice at first, fun, a little obsessed with himself and how ‘great of an actor he was.’ He made us act out different tables at restaurants, and one day he started giving scenes to act out like , “Hey- this table is schitzo, this ones bipolar, and you guys act depressed.” I couldn’t contain myself especially when all of my good friends were frolicking around laughing and pretending to be two different people at the same time, ‘split-personality’, I turned to the owner who was looking on and said, “That’s not schizophrenia they’re acting out, it’s multiple personality disorder.” She looked at me ‘knowingly’ “Oh- but Phoebe, it can be that sometimes.” My feeling were welling up more and more ready to burst as I said, “NO, actually, it can’t it’s a completely different mental illness and you know absolutely nothing about it.” Ending up cracking my last words through tears. None of them understood how they had hurt me. I couldn’t even face them again. I quit that drama class.
There is stigma all around us, people with mental illness are not “bad”, or ill because of some
failure of character. They are simply ill. Ignorance is hard to deal with and I plan on breaking through boundaries of fear and convention to help my brother as I have felt the discrimination that exists. “Empathy: The intimate comprehension of another person’s thoughts and feelings, without imposing our own judgment or expectation.”
I am asking for your empathy, not toward me, but for the mentally ill in general. I think that society should be more educated, sympathetic, and caring.

Quarterly Newsletter 2nd Edition September 2008

Our Stories

Jeffery's Story

By Candace

When Jeff was first born he had allot of problems with his bowels and what the doctors labeled as colic. I spent many hours walking the floor with him while he cried...he slowly grew out of it and even more so when I got on a health kick when he was 1 year of age. I was starting to face the facts there was something not quite right with my husband, but upon the birth of our last child he really started to act bizarre. I tried to get him to get help and pleaded with his family that something was not quite right with him but it landed on death ears. I ended up leaving him and coming back to the midwest alone. I now can look back and realize he had Schizophrenia just like our son. I started noticing right away that Jeff was sensitive to certain foods and would break out in a rash on his face around his mouth if he ate them, mainly sauces with red dye in it. He also continued to have problem with his bowls. He also had horrible night terrors, but during the day he seemed fairly normal. He was above average intelligence and was doing math and reading before he was 5 years of age. Fast forward to his teenage years. He developed asthma and his sensitivity to certain foods increased. Mainly fruits and vegetables but he was not breaking out in rashes instead his tongue would swell and his mouth would itch. I started to notice that the asthma became really bad in the fall and after the first frost he seemed to beable to breath easier. So I took him to an allergist and had him tested. Sadly the allergist turned out to have other motives in mind than helping Jeff. I had explained my concerns about the reactions to fruits and certain foods and thought possibly he had environmental allergies that where causing his allergies. They tested Jeff for environmental allergies and his whole back welted up about 2" so it was obvious that is what we where dealing with. They never tested him for food allergies..but instead we where swiftly rushed into the doctors office where he informed me he wanted to put Jeff into a trial program for a new asthma drug. He refused to give my son allergy shots and if we would not go into the test program for the new drug he would not see my son..we left feeling defeated. Since I could not get help from the medical community I did the only thing I knew to do..So come every fall we would keep Jeff in the house with the air conditioner running along with several hepa air purifiers, doing breathing treatments and still he could barely breath..but it kept him alive and out of the hospital. A elderly lady down the street had told my son her son had asthma and had just died because of all the years of using the inhalers. So Jeff out of fear stopped using his inhalers. I started Jeff on anti-histamines and he seemed to get his life back. Jeff was now around 18 years of age and staying in another town with my mother because of his work. He started having some problems and went to a local MD. They told him the anti-histamines could make him delusional and at the same time tested his thyroid and decided he had hypothyroidism and started him on meds for it. I always wondered about the hypothyrodism as my son is extremely thin and normally people tend to be overweight that have that. He seemed to do a little better and went back on the inhalers and stopped the anti-histamines, but after time he started decline again and then started to have bouts of delusions. He thought that is was the thyroid causing his problems and wanted to try a method called Wilson's, nobody practiced it here in our state so we found a doctor in a state close by and took him to see him and started on a new program to deal with his thyroid. About this same time I started to learn I had Fibromyalgia and never being one that liked to go to the doctor I researched on the internet to see how to deal with it and came up with my own answer...I changed my diet to an organic diet and cut out sugars and high carb foods and all processed foods and the symptoms almost totally went away. But since I was on this diet and it was helping me I decided my family should be on it also. Jeff was living in different town and decided to go to a Chiropractor that practiced some holistic medicine and he put Jeff on a regiment of supplements along with his organic diet free of processed foods. Amazingly after 6 months of being on them his asthma totally disappeared and he was able to eat some fruits he had never been able to eat in the past. But he visited his MD about his thyroid and shared with him what supplements he was on and the doctor insisted he stopped one of them as he said it was dangerous for him. Within several months his allergies to the fruits was back and he was starting to deal with some asthma symptoms again. Jeff was an adult and living on his own so I did not realize all this was taking place..I now know the supplement the doctor took him off of was one that helped the adrenals which if are taxed can cause allergies. Within a couple months Jeff had degraded to the point where he could no longer hold down a job. We moved him back to our town and rented him a place and helped him find work but he still could not hold down a job so we paid his bills and bought his food all the while trying to figure out what was wrong with him. When he felt he was slipping it sometimes helped for him to drink orange juice and he had some open sores on his feet that where not healing, so I took him down to have his blood sugars tested. They decided he was border line diabetic and was dealing with low blood sugar so they sent him to a specialist. The endocrinologist decided his blood sugars where fine, but that he was dealing with sensitivities to foods and wanted to start him on a rotation diet. Jeff by this time was looking for a quick fix and flat out refused to do the rotation diet. While all this is taking place he had one infection after another..I would no more than get him better and he would come down with something else. The poor kid had blood poisoning without even receiving an open wound, strep throat, some other infection involving his ears...etc etc. I then took him to a neurologist thinking there might be something wrong with his brain. They did the MRI and found nothing so she decided he was dealing with low serotonin in his brain and put him on Effexor...it seemed to help a little bit, but then he started to degrade again, so she doubled his dose...it sent him into orbit and he spiraled out of control. Being fed up with the doctors I went home and started searching his symptoms on the internet and came to the conclusion he had Schizophrenia and started researching Orthomolecular medicine. I started him on a supplement program I devised along with a gluten and dairy free diet. He knew instantly folic acid made him worse so we eliminated that from his supplements and focused on supplements that would lower his histamine levels along with making his diet now only low histamine foods. Not sure why but he also discovered soy had ill effects on him so we eliminated that out of his diet also...which made the gluten free thing rather challenging but we soon discovered brown rice is our friend. He seemed to improve but I decided it might be best to take him to the professionals and get him into the Health Research Institute by Chicago. They found he was high in histamine...no shock there. So they put him on a compound but it was a starter program and was lower in doses than the supplements I had had him on the past few months so after a few weeks on the program he started to slip again. I wanted to get him into a pych doctor to see if I could get him on some meds to just help him until they ramped up the supplements, but we wanted a orthomolecular psych doctor. I found one in Washington State. So I called him and talked to him on the phone for over an hour and explained the situation and how Jeff was high in histamine and explained we just needed to get him on some meds to help until the supplements he was on kicked in and wanted someone to help monitor his progress. We did not want to change his program/ supplements or pay for new tests as we had just had them a done a few months ago via the place by Chicago...he agreed to this. So I leased a house on Whidbey Island, Washington, temporary left my husband behind and moved there with my son. You might be thinking at this point we wheref inancially well off. Quite the contrary, I borrowed the money to cover everything and took my eBay business with me so I could keep an income coming in. We got settled in on the island and Jeff went to his first appointment and the doctor does an about face on us and says he can not treat Jeff unless he reruns the tests !! I thought okay we are out here and I have a lease on a house go for it, it is best sometimes to get a second opinion anyway. In the mean time while he was waiting for the tests to come back he put Jeff on some shots and showed him how to administer them himself. I had been warned by the Health Research Instituteto never give him Folic Acid as it would make him worse so I wanted to know what he was giving him. He said they where B12 and I was like okay as long as it is not Folic Acid not realizing they are basically the same. Jeff starts to have some major issues so I reminded the doctor we need him to put Jeff on some medicine to help he finally relented and put Jeff on something...the tests come back and really did not show anything wrong and he informs us that he can't continue to help Jeff unless we switch to his supplement program. Now I'm really starting to freak out..I have spent thousands of dollars to try and get my son help and this guy is pushing me into a corner. I looked over the supplements and saw one contained a small amount folic acid and said no to that one..he then tells me he did not believe in the histamine theory which was becoming obvious as he never even tested him for high histamine levels. And if I wanted him to treat my son he would have to take the supplements. Jeff being an adult how be it not in his right mind all the time insisted we try it..I think I was in shock..thousands of miles from home and I was starting to realize this trip was in vain and I so wanted it to work so I gave in and let him switch Jeff's supplements. Within a week of being on the shots and supplements Jeff was so deranged I was starting to fear for my own life and called the doctor..his answer was to take Jeff to the mainland and have him admitted...HELLO !! Then to my horror I realized B12 was the same as Folic Acid and was putting his histamine levels through the roof. If I had to take Jeff to a hospital it was going to be back home, so I loaded the van down with all our possessions, closed up the house and drove 1,700 miles basically non-stop to get back home by this time Jeff was so far gone he didn't even know his name.The people at the hospital told me they had never seen anyone as bad as he was and told me he would probably need to be committed. I was not about to do that. So I found a hospital that would allow me to bring him his meals and let him take his supplements from the Health Research Institute while they where treating him. Like someone else mentioned..people with Schizophrenia..actually my son has Schizoeffective disorder, but anyway they have a tendency to not stay on their meds and the same goes for supplements and diet. For the most part I was able to get my son to stay on his diet and supplements if I stayed in close contact with him but he was easily de-railed. So it has been a real challenge and I have found myself having to put him back on track quite a few times. After two years on his diet and supplements he was down to only taking 6 mg of Invega and doing well.Then he decided to quit his meds..he did pretty good for two and a half months and then a local chiropractor talked him into stopping the supplements I had him on and into taking some from him along with a drink mix. I had spoken to this chiropractor when my son had first started going to him and told him he could adjust my son, but he was never to change his supplements or give him anything that contained Folic Acid or B12 and explained what we had been through in the past and I would not allow that to happen again. My son is married and has children and does not live with me and I was unaware of what was taking place until my son started to get really delusional and I had to step back in and get him back on his meds. But to my dismay the meds where not working, so back to the doctor we went, he added 10 mg of abilify to the 6 mg of Invega. I was thinking that was a little steep as when he was on it abefore he only took 5 mg. So we started with 5mg and he was still delusional...we took it up to 10mg and still no help. I finally started investigating and discovered the drink mix and supplements the Chiropractor was giving my son. The main thing in the drink mix was Folic Acid and the more Jeff became delusional the more he drank the drink hoping it would help him and nothing I could say could get him to stop taking them.I had to call this quack chiropractor and tell him HE was going to tell my son he had to quit taking them, so off we went to the Chiropractor's office. By this time...no meds where helping Jeff...so I started him on some pretty potent natural stuff to start cleansing him of the histamine and I stripped his diet down to a drink mix that contained supplements that lowered the histamine levels. It was starting to help but we still had to take him into the hospital because he was so delusional. So as I type this he is in the hospital and thankfully they are willing to work with me again and are giving him his drink mix and supplements along with the meds. I'm hoping we caught this fast enough and it does not take 2 years again to get him straightened around. But what I find very interesting is when Jeff's son was born..he had the same symptoms Jeff did as a baby.I had them take my grandson to a specialist at the Children's hospital to be tested and sure enough..my grandson could not handle dairy or soy and his intestines where all inflamed. They put him on a special formula and diet as he got older and the symptoms went away.I have often wondered had I known the same thing about my son when he was a baby if he would have not developed Schizeffective disorder as an adult. My son and his wife are split up because of Jeff's illness and I can only pray she keeps my grandson on his diet. But sadly I do not think she will as she was one of the biggest determents I faced in trying to keep Jeff on his diet when they where together. Sorry this was so long but I hope that someone that has a son that is dealing with high histamines also may find some hope in my son's story. I know in my son's case if I can keep the vultures away from him he will get better as I have seen him improve overtime with the correct diet and supplements. I also on purpose left out what we followed for supplements because not everyone with Schizophreniaas high histamine levels and if someone was to follow the same supplement program it could possibly make them worse. You are your own best doctor and the internet is your best friend. Research, research and then do everything in your power from being derailed and from people that would make a buck off other people's suffering.

Update on my Joseph

Im happy to report that Joseph is doing well. He has been working now for over 5 months consistantly. He is driving again and playing his guitar more than ever. He is also seeing a counselor once a week through a pastoral program suggested by his Church. He pursued that one all on his own. Im very proud of him and we bless each day that we are in healing. I love you, Joseph and may the angels always surround you and protect you!

I would love to hear from you. if you would like to submit your story, feel free to email me at angelicstrands@aol.com

Be sure to visit my meditation forest at http://www.anamcaraforest.com/

Angel Art by Linda Hodgson Ironside

Photos by Victoria DOttavio

Disclaimer: The stories, advise, and content of this newsletter are not a replacement for medical evaluations, therapies, or treatments.

A MOTHER'S GRACE

Quarterly Newsletter 1st Edition July 2008


OUR STORIES

Joseph's Story

By Victoria

Joseph was born January 11, 1986. It was a healthy pregnancy except for the 60-pound weight gain! Joseph was about 3 weeks late, which usually doesn't happen these days. I remember when Joseph entered the world his little hand was stuck on the right side of his head. The doctor yelled for me to stop pushing so he could adjust it, but it was too late. When I think of it now, I wonder if my little boy was trying to tell me something! Joseph's childhood from infancy to about 11 years old was wonderful. He was a happy flourishing little boy. He loved to hug and snuggle. He played with imagination and loved life! There is nothing significant that stands out during that time except around the age of 7 Joseph had trouble seeing in class. He began to wear glasses and his eyesight got worse as time went on, but it seemed to have leveled off around 20 years of age. The other significant event was when Joseph had his first DPT shot as an infant. Back in 1986 they still administered immunizations with thermisol, which is a preservative containing mercury. I remember the day very clearly...Joseph screamed a high pitch scream for almost 8 hours. The doctors told me to never give him Pertussis again. So from then on it was a DT shot. It is documented that the Pertussis part of the shot can cause some neurological issues and have side effects. Nowadays they do not use the whole cell pertussis in vaccines. They use what's called an acellular vaccine instead. It has fewer side effects. They also offer thermisol-free vaccines too. It was not until the age of 12 that things really changed for Joseph. We moved to a new state, he was beginning middle school, and of course puberty arrived. It was probably early in 7th grade that Joe's grades began to drop. He was not in a good place emotionally and he told me recently that he once contemplated suicide. He of course never told us that back in 1998. We all went to therapy and it seemed to help a little bit. Another life change occurred when Joe was 13. I gave birth to his little sister, Isabella. Joseph also has an older brother named Michael. Joseph welcomed his little sister with open arms, but it was yet another transition and an unexpected, yet wonderful surprise. We learned from Joseph that it was at this age he began to experiment with marijuana. He also admitted that there were thoughts in his head that he could not release; thoughts about sexuality. Again, something that we just didn't pick up on until later. During this time, Joe was also dealing with his parent's separation and pending divorce. I have to note here too that Joe was very active in sports. He played football for 6 years and wrestled for 2. It wasn't until early in 11th grade that things progressively got worse. The drug use increased and Joe became withdrawn. He skipped school most of the time and finally after my constant emails, communications, and visits to the school, Joe agreed to get his GED. Another important thing to bring up is at age 14 Joe was diagnosed with Epstein Barr virus (or chronic fatigue syndrome). Also, during one wrestling match in 11th grade, Joe blacked out and I had to take him to the emergency room for he seemed disoriented. The tests turned out okay, but it is something worth mentioning for I think another player pressed on an artery in his neck. During his struggles in 11th and 12th grade, I researched and began to get Joe on some omega 3 oil, vitamins, greens, and other supplements. I also took him to a neuro-psychologist who did neuro-feedback. That only lasted a short time for when Joe turned 18 during his senior year, he began to refuse all treatment. When Joseph finally got his GED that summer of 2004, he moved in with his Dad and lived with him for about 6 months in St. Louis. I had moved to CT with Bella. Joe decided in the fall 2004 to move back to Florida. The thought worried us, but we couldn't stop him. It was during that year that Joe's drug use increased to a point that we still don't know the extent of it. He came up for Christmas in 2005 and we knew something wasn't right. He was acting differently, talking differently, and was very withdrawn. He ended up losing his job in Florida and moved in with me. During this time, Joe was not only detoxing from drugs, but was in full-blown psychosis. I had no idea what that was like for I had never experienced it or seen it in anyone. I saw my beautiful little boy with hazel eyes in a very horrible terrifying place! He was what I now know as manic, paranoid, hallucinating,and hearing voices. He was happy and ecstatic one moment and down and horribly sad the next. There were times of rages and deep emptiness in his eyes. I didn't know what to do. It wasn't until he had to go to the emergency room for another issue that they made Joe go in for a psychiatric evaluation. He was admitted to Middlesex Hospital and remained there for about 2 weeks. He refused all meds and returned back home to me. He left there with a diagnosis of psychosis none specified. Which means it was too early to get a clear diagnosis. Also, while he was hospitalized, Joe had an MRI done and it showed a cyst on his pituitary gland, but they said it was nothing to worry about although we should have it checked every 6 months. When Joe returned home, we had no direction in treating his illness. I felt so lost and confused. I had no one to turn to or reach out to. At this point in my life I was well into holistic therapies and natural medicine. I am certified in Reiki and Holistic Life Coaching and I thought we could beat this...I researched and found a place called Earth House in NJ. They seemed to have a wonderful healing model. They served organic healthy food and had all the elements needed to give my son the best possible chance to heal: a psychiatrist, a therapist, a holistic doctor, and groups/classes in the arts, and academics. They treated my son like a person, not a mentally ill patient. Joseph's holistic physician was Dr. Bonnet in Pennsylvania. He worked with the students at Earth House. He took a full history on Joseph and wanted to know everything from the minute he was born. He took tests that the traditional world would not do like vitamin deficiencies, allergies, and toxic metals. Joseph also revealed at this time that while living in Florida he took in a stray cat. He did not take proper care of the cat in that he allowed it to excrete on his bed. Joseph's metal testing showed high levels of mercury, aluminum, and copper. He then began what is called orthomolecular vitamin therapy, which is an intense vitamin regime. We also treated his Epstein Barr virus by building his immune system. Unfortunately, a place like Earth House is very expensive and we could only afford 4 months. We now know that at least a year or more is needed. We did continue to see Dr. Bonnet ongoing after Joe left Earth House. The other difficult issue with mental illness is compliance, whether itis alternative or traditional, it is very hard for someone with a thought disorder to admit they have a problem. Joseph came home with a diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder (which is a combination of psychotic symptoms and a mood disorder) and was on 4 mg of Resperidol (anti psychotic) and 120 mg of Wellbutrin (a mood stabilizer). Things were going okay except Joe stopped his meds a few months after being home. Within a few weeks he was back in the hospital. This time he ended up at Mt Sinai in Hartford, CT. This psychosis was different than the first in that Joe was more verbal and said and did things that were very inappropriate. He ended up on 5 different drugs when he left Mt Sinai on Haldol, Geodon,Amaranthine, Neurotin, and Depakote. He was not okay to leave, but the insurance was running out. He was now put into a day program in Danbury where his Dad now resides for he couldn't live with me anymore and his little sister. It was too difficult and it was taking its toll on little Bella. She is now in therapy working through it all. The doctors finally got Joe down to 3 drugs: Geodon, Abilify, and Depakote. He was also continuing his vitamin therapy and homeopathy. We also began cranial sacral therapy with a naturopath, Dr Henninger, in Fairfield, CT , which helps to stimulate the nervous system and releases blocks in the spinal fluid. It was beginning to help, but Joe stopped his meds once again and ended up in Danbury Hospital. They took their time with Joe as he stayed there 3 months. He is now on Clozaril and Geodon. So far the meds are a good combination for him. I thank God for each day of healing and peace. I love my son and will do anything to help him, but we also have to find a balance for everyone in the family. We are in desperate need of therapeutic healing communities not only for my son, but for all those with thought disorders. For so many, the alternative is homelessness, jail, or death. I am not only an advocate for my child, but for everyone diagnosed with a mental illness and their loved ones! As of today, we live one moment at a time and pray for what is best everyone.

POETRY

A Mother Waits

By Victoria D'Ottavio


The abyss

is a spiral of thoughts

and painful confusion

Come back to us

my Joseph

reach out your hand

a mother waits always

to pull you through

and bring you home

The Gloaming

“Walk from the dark night into the gloaming.

Share and be not alone.

Hearts matching hearts,

strange faces turning only to see the self in each other.

Walk from the gloaming to the light, together.

In the sharing you seek the knowing.”-

By Shawna Koder

Gabe's Story

By Elizabeth

This is the just of the story of my wonderful son Gabe. He is 23 years old and has been living with schizophrenia for about 4 years now. He was a beautiful baby with a perfectly round and bold head. As a baby he was the most content and happy child. Gabe was not demanding or a high need child. From a very young age he would entertain himself and let his learning grow. Always very bright and academically inclined through his school years. When he became graduated, he entered the military forces and about a year later, I learned something was not right. Gabe had always been of good character and his initial delusions made perfect sense to me, as it was a tangled story of lies, betrayal, and deception. I was ready to get to the highest authority to make sure my son was not falling pray to this massive problem. I really wanted to believe something was happening and not thats omething was wrong. Then one day Gabe called, stating that he had been placed under medical care and that they wanted the psychiatrist to meet with him. I knew something was wrong and still hanged to the idea that stress and romantic pitfalls can make you a little crazy that's all. Next thing my child is being sent home, no staying and completing his dream of a medical career in the military. He came home, so thin and quiet. I wanted to leave him alone and not add to his pressures, he will eventually talk, I said to myself. He did not talk about his issues. Soon after Gabe began to display bizarre behavior and it was obvious that something was not right. I never dreamed I would ever have to call the police on one of my children. Under a moment of anger, out of the blue Gabe began to act as it had been described he did while in the military. (His childhood friend who was alsoin the military had filled me in, about his behavior changes.) Gabe became violent not just irate and belligerent. My family called me at work and I dismissed it as if it was just their impatient perception, just let him ven toff, I said. Today, I am still so sorry for not believing my daughter when she called me crying and said that Gabe had hit her and left her breathless. I could not bring myself to believe that my sweet, well behaved, well mannered child could be acting this way. After all, I knew what the future will be like for him if this was true. You see I am a social worker and the reality of this illness was too much for me to bear. I knew closely the life that so many face under the tyrany of this illness. I also knew about the stigma, ignorance, and suffering that these victims endure and I did not want that for my child. I now cry as I write this because it is a reality. The police took him in and upon this evaluation, the different diagnoses began and we ended up were we are today with Paranoid Schizophrenia. This illness has robbed my child of his dreams. He has the ability to understand he has a mental illness. I have come to grips with the fact that I will always grieve the loss of my before Gabe, but do not negate the wonderful child still is.

A MOTHER'S PRAYER FOR MENTAL ILLNESS

By Doe

As I stumble from my bed this morning, help me to remember to be gentle and kind.
My child's mind is shredding into a million pieces.
He lives in a constant state of atrocious fear. I can see it in his eyes.
Give him peace.
Guide me as I hold him in my arms.
Help me to know what to say.
What to do.
Fill my heart with healing love, understanding, and empathy.
Give me the strength of a thousand angels to hold back my tears.
My heart is broken and a tidal wave of grief is overwhelming me with the need to cry.
Give me the strength to bear it long enough to keep it from disturbing my child.
Help me find someone I can safely bring it to.
Help me answer my family's questions with the same amount of compassion I would want for my self.
Help me remember they are hurting too.
This is an unwelcome assault on an entire family.
My heart is not the only heart that is broken.
We all need time and each other to heal.
As my journey becomes more and more isolative and lonely, remind me that the lack of involvement on the part of family and friends is not always because of the stigma and the ignorance.
For many, it is because they are hurting too.
They have the privilege of turning to their own lives.
This is my family's life now. I must deal with it whether I am hurting or not.
Send me your best physicians and healers.
Give me presence of mind, as I walk through the exhaustion of my grief to not settle for just any one no matter how tiresome the journey becomes.
Help me adjust to the idea, that although it appears my son is gone, there will be no goodbye. And that he is still inside somewhere waiting for us to find him.
Infuse the creative part of my mind with solution oriented thinking.
Give me hope.
Even if it is just a glimmer of hope.
A mother can go for miles on just one tiny glimmer.
Let me see just a flicker of the sparkle of joy in his eyes.
Guide my hands, calm my mind, as I fill out the multitude of forms for services.
Then, help me do it again over and over.
Provide me with the knowledge. Lead me to the books I need to read, the organizations I need to connect with. As you work though the people in my life, help me to recognize those that are here to help. Help me trust the right ones. Shine a light upon the right path.
Give me the courage to speak my truth; to know my son's truth. And to speak for him when he is unable to do it for himself. Show me when to do for him what he is not capable of doing for himself. Help me to recognize the difference.
Help me to stand tall in the face of the stigma; to battle the discrimination with the mighty sword of a spiritual warrior. And to deflect the sting of blame and faultfinding from the ignorant and the cruel.
Preserve my love for my family. Shield my marriage with the wisdom of the love that brought us together.
Protect him from homelessness, loneliness, victimization, poverty, hunger, hopelessness, relapse, drugs, alcohol, suicide, cruelty and obscurity.
Lead us to the miracles of better medications, better funding, better services, safe and plentiful housing, meaningful employment, communities who care, enlightenment. Help us to find some way to replace all the greed with humanitarian work and intrinsic reward again.
Most of all, give me the strength to deliver whatever I can to the work of unmasking the man made ugliness of this disease and revealing the human and all of it's suffering beneath.
Finally, when it is my time to leave my son behind, send a thousand angels to take my place.

Victoria's Thoughts

It is time to release the stigma attached to mental illness and we must now in 2011 treat the whole person (mind, body, and spirit), not the "disease!" We must revamp our current healing model in the mental health system because it is clearly not working! We need to work together as Holistic Practitioners and Traditional Medical Practitioners because I do believe in a balance between the medical community and holistic/alternative community. We need a new model of healing that includes better healing facilities. The ideal is for our children to have at least one year in a facility to diagnose, test, and figure out what exactly is going on inside the body that effects the brain. This would include not only traditional testing, but also toxicity tests and more. The healing facility would only have balanced organic whole foods, therapies(music/sound, brainwave, art, etc), and the place would be surrounded by the beauty of nature. There would be traditional and non-traditional doctors working along side of each other to figure out the best healing plan for the person in need of healing. The mind, body and spirit will be nurtured in all ways. To say this is a cure-all would be presumptuous, but it gives our children a far better chance at healing, and they deserve it as we all do! I say it's time to give them a chance at life!

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Submit your Story

If you would like to include your story please send in Microsoft word or directly in email. Also, please send along a picture of your loved one as a child or any image that you feel reflects your story. Jpeg is preferable. You may also send this story in any form, i.e. poetry etc. Also you can use first names or remain anonymous if you like. :)

Please Contact Me !

Here is my contact information. I would love to hear from you!
email: Vittoriad@aol.com or Angelicstrands@aol.com

Here is my website www.victoriarosedeangelis.com

Be sure to check out my weekly radio show where I talk about all things spiritual and there are quite a few shows where I discuss "mental illness" in relation to the Soul.
www.sjrn.net click on Victoria De Angelis and all my shows are archived there!

Be sure to visit my Meditation Forest at www.anamcaraforest.freewebs.com

Co-created and edited by Victoria De Angelis and Shawna Koder

Photos by Victoria De Angelis and Shawna Koder

Angel Art created by Linda Hodgson Ironside

** Disclaimer: The stories, advise, and content of this newsletter are not a replacement for medical evaluations, therapies, or treatments. **